My Personal Journey
So I know I’ve been on a Picky Eaters rampage lately, but with 3 young kids who all have very strong opinions – especially since “candy season” is now in full swing – how could I not be?! And while I do plan on touching more on this subject soon, I need to take a sharp left turn here for a minute… [but, if you need more about that topic now, check out my past articles, HERE and HERE: No Your Kids Aren’t Destined to Be Picky Eaters and Picky Eaters: 5 Things We Can Do to Change It].
Since October is almost over, I couldn’t let the month go by without honoring the fact that it’s Infant Loss Awareness Month.
Originally declared in 1988 by Ronald Reagan, his words are all so true:
“When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes…”
My Personal Experience with Miscarriage
Obviously, this isn’t something I talk a lot about. Although it’s been over 2 years, the wounds are still fresh and it’s not something I choose to remember – it’s just my heart that can’t seem to forget. My husband, he’s disregarded it ever even happened and whenever it is randomly brought up states how he has completely blocked it from his mind and then quickly changes the subject. But can I blame him?! I too wish it never occurred!
In fact, I didn’t know much about miscarriages, and had NO idea what a Missed Miscarriage was before experiencing it myself! Truthfully, I never wanted to admit they existed and thought that if I learned about them it was more likely to happen to me. Stupid, yes. But it’s my own form of superstition and the way I avoid pain…
I have friends who have experienced miscarriages, but it’s hard to relate to something so devastating if you haven’t experienced it yourself. Yes, my heart was broken for them, but I couldn’t truly understand the pain… until at 12 weeks, I did.
And while I will admit it’s much easier to [emotionally] deal with now that my double-rainbow baby is here – and a year old, in fact – it still doesn’t make it easy. I don’t think it ever will be. And that’s OK.
In fact, after looking back in retrospect my main advice to anyone who’s dealt with miscarriage is to allow yourself to feel. Take time to cry – like a really, ugly cry. To deal with the pain. Embrace it. Talk about it. Look for others who have been there and listen to their stories. Listen to their pain. This will help you get through your own. The worst thing to do is bottle it up and pretend it never happened. Because it did. It’s a horrible reality that all too many people have to deal with. Many, more than once…
Even my oldest remembers and brings it up fairly frequently asking “how old would my other baby brother be now…?” [Although we never knew for certain, we all thought that he was going to be a boy.] This is what breaks my heart the most! He was only 4 at the time, so it’s crazy how well he remembers! But I think the best thing is to talk about it. I let him know that the baby is in Heaven and is watching over him. He is there with my grandma (his great-grandma) and all our other family members and friends too. He’s happy and someday we will see him again.
Allow your children to feel the pain and see you cry. That’s OK too. They need to know it’s OK to feel sad. This is what helps us heal. Reality can be hard, but it’s how we grow stronger. Kids are wise beyond their years and are such a great source of comfort. Allow them to console you because sometimes, that’s all you need. I know it’s worked wonders on me.
With all that said, here is my STORY, written about 1-month after I lost my baby. This is when I was in the thick of it. When I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. When my nights were filled with tears and my days with a blur. Yes, loss gets easier. Hope grows brighter. But love grows deeper and time gets longer, so allow yourself to feel all of it. Because in the end, you don’t want to forget that baby you lost. Instead, cherish that love and know that everything happens for a reason. Mine is my double-rainbow baby, Kaia. She is the happiest baby I’ve ever seen and I couldn’t imagine our family without her!
[Oh, and Kaia is my double-rainbow because, after my Missed Miscarriage at 12 weeks, I had a Chemical Pregnancy at 5 weeks (about 5 months after my MMC). ]
Thanks for listening to my story Momma. If you’ve dealt with a loss yourself, but heart aches for you. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. But know that so many of us have gone through it and I’m here to prove that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Whatever that means for you and your family, there is light!
For more information on Miscarriage and Infant Loss Awareness Month, here are some additional resources:
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