Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month 2020
I’ve been aware that October was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, but never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be honoring it like this… Yes, I have had losses before (3, in fact… before Kayden, that is). But none were like this. None were so gut-wrenching that it hurt to breathe, it hurt to cry, it hurt to look out the window and see beauty because I felt so bleak inside…
This is what it feels like to lose a child. To lose the hopes, the memories, the dreams, the smiles… To hold a lifeless child in your arms and morn the life that you had imagined – not just for you, but for all those around you. The holidays, the gatherings, the vacations, and birthdays. All of those are forever changed before they even began… life is forever changed before it even truly began…
This is what it’s like to lose a baby. To be totally over-the-moon excited, knowing that you are so close, to be suddenly blind-sighted by grief, despair, and loss…
My life was forever changed that day I was told Kayden’s heart was no longer beating. That what appeared to be a perfect baby boy would never meet his siblings, nor them him. And while we still await the “exact cause” of Kayden’s death, we know it doesn’t truly matter. Nothing will bring him back, nothing will “make it better” or make us feel whole again. For now, the closure (whatever that means when you lose a child), is all we can hope for. To know that he is in a better place for a bigger reason is all we can hope for.
Again, this is not my first loss. Before Kaia was born, I had a 12-week missed miscarriage (that I also had written about), meaning I had no idea that the baby had passed until my 3rd ultrasound of that pregnancy showed he was no longer living. I then had an early miscarriage before going on to have Kaia, my double-rainbow baby. Then, before Kayden, I again had an early miscarriage. And now there is Kayden, my stillborn baby.
The loss I experienced in my 12-week baby in a way helped prepare me for this one… It showed me how to deal with the pain, the loss, the anguish. It also showed me that there is hope on the other side. God truly has a greater plan and absolutely everything happens for a reason. Trust me, I know that is hard to see in the moment, and is why I am so thankful for my rainbow baby… Kaia wouldn’t be here without those losses. I constantly remind myself that on a daily basis. That isn’t to say those babies didn’t matter, but life wouldn’t be how it is for our family today had those not have happened.
So for those who have also experienced loss, or maybe will experience it someday, please know that there is hope. God has a plan for you and your family – no matter how hard that is to see! And also know that I am here for you! My heart breaks for your loss, my tears pool for your heart. When it all seems hopeless, like you’ve hit the bottom, there is only one way left to go! That is my motto for 2020! Depressing, I know. But hey, there is hope on the other side – I am here to remind you of that!
If you need support, a loving reminder of better days, or just want to vent – I am here! Please remember that you are not in this alone no matter how lonely and isolated you may feel – I am here!
(I have posted more about my loss, my struggles, and my happier moments (thanks to my other 3 kiddos), over on my IG page, so be sure to follow along as I work to continuously give hope to all those that need it just as much as I do!)